The Wee Boaby Column!

Bluddy Weddins

Wee Boaby was sittin enjoying his Morning Cuppa and slice of Toast, When there was the distinct noise of the Letter box Flap, and a Quiet plop of Mail landing on the Lobby Rug!

I'll get it Boaby!...... Shouted Ella

OH! GOD.. look Boaby, said Ella excitedly, Brandishing a small white card.

Whits That?..... Enquired the Wee man.

It's a Weddin Invitation for us!... Said Ella

Whit?...... Who dae we ken that's daft enough tae get Spliced?.. Asked Boaby

It's ma Cousin's Lassie..... SADIE!

Jeez Christ!.... Shouted Boaby jumping out of his Chair

No Sour Faced Sadie!....... The Grump Oh the Gorbals!..... Who wid be daft enough tae Marry her?.... Asked Boaby

Its Robert McInnes! ... Said Ella,... That wiz the Laddie Frae the Next Close! ... Mind they went tae Skool the Gether!

AYE!...... I Mind him! ...Said Boaby..... Glesses as thick as Milk Bottles.... Half Blin Bertie they called him!

Aye!....... Thats him... said Ella, ....still excited about the Invitation.

The Weddin's in two Weeks!...Said Ella...Weel need tae get a Present.

HOW?....... Surely we're No Goin.... Said Boaby

Yer Bluddy right wer Goin.... Said Ella with a Touch of Menace in her Voice.

The Next Two week were a Flurry of Activity on Ella's Part, But Boaby just moaned Constantly in the Back Ground.

Suddenly the Big Day Arrived. Ella Dressed in her Sunday Best Frock, and Boaby Chokin in a Suit, Shirt and Tie, Still Moaning.

Ah Don't see why we huv tae go tae this Bluddy Weddin!... Said Boaby

Och! Just shut-up, Gie it a Bluddy Rest will ya!.... Said Ella.... Here I'll make yea a wee cup o tea before the Taxi Arrives.

Ella toddled of to the small Kitchen and Switched on the Kettle. Knowing that Boaby was determined NOT to Enjoy himself, She slipped a Couple of Valium Tablets in his Tea, That'll calm him Doon a little thought Ella.

Boaby Gulped his Tea down not even noticing the slightly Weird taste.

Here's the Taxi!... Shouted Ella ...Come Oan Boaby!... and off they went

When they Arrived at the Church Boaby was so relaxed he was Dammed Near asleep, and with out a murmer followed Ella on to a Pew at the Front of the Church.

Here! ... Said Boaby ... There no a awfae lot oh People here is ther?

Nah!... it'll jist be a Wee Quiet Ceremony... said Ella... But there's the Groom.

Oh! Christ aye!...Said Boaby .. He's still got the Milk bottles on then... He said watching as Half Blin Bertie Blundered around at the Front of the Church banging into things.

All of a Sudden the Church Organ Burst into life!

                        |\                |\
      ____|\__|_________|\\___|___________|___|____________|\_|______
      ____|/__|________@__\|__|____O______|___|___@________|__|___|__
      ___/|___|___|________|__|___|______@____|__|____@____|__|___|__
      __|_/_\_|___|_______@___|___|___________|__|___|____@___|___|__
      ___\|/__|___|___________|___|___________|__|___|________|__O___
          /      O                                   |
         (|)

Boaby and Ella Turned around there was the Bride Slowly walking down the Aisle.

Jeez Christ!.. Said Boaby.. She's fair up the Duff...Na Wonder its a Quick Wedding.

Oh! Goad!.. Said Ella..she must be all of Nine Months gone.

Meanwhile Sour faced Sadie Waddled down the Asile both Hands clasped around her emormous Stomach.

That "Bad Mastard" hiz Violated Poor Sadie... Moaned Ella

Come Oan! .. Said Boaby ..He couldnae find it, if their wiz a Spotlight shining on it. Christ yea cannae Blame that Blin Bugger, Somebody hud tae give him Directions.

Mmm!..... Suppose so!... Said Ella Reluctantly.

Sadie Reached the Bottom of the Asile and the Happy Couple was approached by the Church Minister.

Dearly Beloved ....Bla Bla Bla Bla!

And do YOU ... Half Blin Bertie, Take Hur! Soor faced Sadie, Tae huv an tae hud?

HE'S HUD ALREADY BY THE LOOK OH IT...Shouted Boaby.

Ssh!...Said Ella givin Boaby a dig in the Ribs!

The Insensed Groom ...Half Blin Bertie ...Quickly turned around to see who was insulting his Bride. And stumbled straight into Sadies Mother, Presenting her with the Perfect "Glasgae Kiss" and leaving her out Cold on the Floor. Such was the force of the Blow that Bertie stumbled backwards, Tripped on the Step and Fell headlong on to the Minister.

There was two sickening "Thuds" One as the Ministers head Walloped off the Altar, and a Second as Blin Berties Forehead met the Marble Font.

Silence reigned in the Church as the Congregation looked on Amazed, In the Space of 30 seconds three People lay Flat out unconcious on the Floor.

Soor faced Sadie looked around at the Disaster at her Feet, and suddenly With out warning Grabbed her Belly in both hands and let out a Scream, Before Collapsing in a Heap and rolling from Side to side Moaning and Groaning.

OH CHRIST!... Said Ella... Hur Waters huv Broke.

How kin yea Break Watter!... Said Boaby totally confused.

She's Gon intae Labour... Shouted Ella,.. Come Oan Boaby, We'll need tae help

Ella and Boaby ran down to the front of the Church where Sadie was Screaming.

arg!...... Aaarrrg!....... AAAARRRRGGGGGG!

Ella Dived down between Sadies Legs, Boaby unsure of what was expected of him Just stood there (Like a Spare P**** at a Wedding)

PISSST!

Whit wiz That?... Thought Boaby and looking around there was Sadies Father... Sitting on the Front Pew Opening a can of Super Lager.

Lo Ther Boaby!...... Fancy a wee Swally?

Hi Eck! ... Here Your Minging wie it! Said Boaby .. Jist how much Oh that stuff hiv yea Put away?

Ach it no every day yea Lose a Daughter and gain a Guide Dog! ... Said Eck.

Here!...He said diving into a ASDA Carrier bag and pulling out another Can... Have one oan me!

Quick Boaby! Shouted Ella ... Sadies givin Birth, Get some Towels and Biling Water.

Whit Fur?...asked Boaby....Are yea thinkin oh gieing hur a bath?

Naw! ...Its fur! ....Well I don't ken but they always ask fur that in the Films.

OH CHRIST! ..Screamed Ella ....LOOK BOABY! The Baby's Coming.

Ther's The Heid!

PUSH!..... PUSH!..... PUSH!..... Screamed Ella.

Aye! OK ..said Boaby and Gave the Baby's Head a Quick "Dunt" with his Free Hand.

There was a Strange "SLURPIN" Sound and the Baby's Head Disappeared from View.

Where did the wee Bugger go?... Asked Boaby

Aaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggg!... Screamed Sadie in a Bit of uncontroled Pain.

WHIT ARE YEA DAEIN YEA WEE NAFF YEA?.. Screamed Ella at Boaby.

WHIT! Me?.. asked Boaby... You were the one telt me tae Push.

A Wiznae talkin tae You!.... Ah wiz talkin tae Sadie.

Might a Said, Am no a Bluddy Mind Reader! ... Said a slightly peeved Boaby.

Och! Make yersel Useful! ...Said Ella, Tearing off a Bit of Sadies Underskirt.

Soak that in Water and Mop Sadies Brow.

Hmmp! OK!...Said Boaby Proceeding to Soak the Cloth in the Holy Water in the Font.

Boaby Slapped the Wet Coth on Sadies Head

Aaarrrg! Aaaaaaarrrrrggggg! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGG!

Screamed Sadie

Jeez Whit a Bluddy Racket.. said Boaby.

Quick Boaby! ..Shouted Ella.. The Babys Comin, Get something tae Wrap it in.

Aye OK! ...Said Boaby. Wondering what to do with the Wet wad of cloth in his hand

Aaaarggg! Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrgggg! AAAAA&%Mmmiffff!

Screamed Sadie as Boaby stuffed the Wet Cloth in her Mouth. Before rushing of to get the Blue Velvet Cloth from the Altar.

Here will this do? ...Asked Boaby

AYE PERFECT! ..Said Ella... The Bairn is jist aboot Here!

Boaby Looked Down at Sadie

She had gone Bright Red, Her Lips were turning Blue and her Eyes resembled the reels on a slot Machine.

Ella stood up! Triumphantly holding the Baby Girl Upside down by the Ankles... Gently Cradling the Baby's head in her other Hand.

OH CHRIST! ..Screamed Ella ...She's no Breathing ..Quick Boaby gie hur a wee slap.

AYE Right! .. said Boaby and cuffed Sadie a right Slammer accross the Coupon.

Ssssslllaaaaaaap!

Such was the force of the Blow that not only did the wet cloth fly out of Sadies Mouth, But her blonde wig, Slithered accross the Floor, Like a Demented Cat and her False Teeth took off in the Opposite Direction.

Jeez Oh! ...Said Boaby.

Here!..... Whit did yea Dae that Fur?>.... Asked Ella looking at Sadie Gasping for Breath.

You Bluddy Telt me tae ..said Boaby.

No Hur.....The Baby..... Fur Christ Sake.... Slap the Baby's Arse will Yea!

"Slaap" .....Wah!.... Waaah!..... Waaaaaah! WAAAAHH!

Och! That Better..... said Ella...... Breathin Fine Now, Well Done Boaby.

OCH! Jist look at the wee Darlin Boaby,Is she no the Splittin Image oh hur Mither?

Boaby Looked at the Wee Wizzened Bundle ....Bright Red, Smeared in Blood, Bald as an Egg and nae Teeth.

Then he looked at Sadie lying on the floor, Aye!.. There is a definate resemblence ..Said Boaby... In fact some might say its uncanny!

Suddenly Two Ambulance men Appeared carrying a Stretcher. (God Bless Mobile Phones)

Here! whits happened Here? Wiz it a Bomb or Summat.. Asked one.

Dinnae Be Stupid Shuggie! ...Said his Partner

Jist copy a swatch at the Bride Man! You wid pass oot if yea hud tae kiss that as Well.

Mmmm! See whit yea mean Eddy, Come on lets get the Buggers in the Meat wagon.

And they proceeded to carry the afflicted into the Back of the Ambulance before driving off to the Hospital.

HERE! ...Said Boaby to Ella.. Is Sadies Father Pregnant as weel?

Didnae Be Daft!... How dae yea ask?

Well His Watter Broke! .. Said Boaby pointing to ECK Slumped in the Front Pew, a Large expanding Puddle at his Feet and a Dark stain Spreading over the Front of his Trousers.

Christ Sake! .. Screamed Ella. We'll need tae get him back tae his hoose.

Whit?...Nah Jist leave him Be ..He's alright...Said Boaby

We'll huv tae get him Hame Boaby.... The Reception is at their Hoose.

Whit?..... Yea Mean there nae Fancy Hotel do in all that?

Naw! On Account of ECK being in the Catering trade Himself, He did the Reception at the Hoose.

CATERING TRADE?... Whit dae yea mean the Catering trade? ...Christ he works every second Saturday in a Burger van parked oot side Parkheid Football Stadium.... Thats hardly Catering is it?

OCH! ... Well jist you go and get a Taxi, We'll get him back tae his hoose and at least then we'll get a bite to eat ...I'm Starvin....Said Ella.

Boaby Rushed off, and 15 Minutes later they Dragged the Drunken Eck out of the Taxi and up to his Door.

After fumbling through Ecks Jacket Pocket, They found his house Keys and Entered the Small Flat, And Dumped his Prone Body on the Couch.

Easy seen Eck did the Catering ..said Boaby...Look at the Reception.

Ella looked around ....

144 cans of Super Lager 1 Bottle Grouse Whisky 1 Plate of Cheese Sandwiches 1 Bowl of Cheese & Onion Crisps

CHRIST! .. Said Ella ...Nae Expence spared here Eh! .. Come on lets gae Hame.

Two Weeks later, There is a Knock at the Door, Its the Postman with a Registered Letter for Boaby.

I Wunner whit this is ..said Boaby lookin at the Envelope!

Its Probably an official letter fae Sadie askin us tae be God Parents, Seeing as how we saved the day........ Said Ella.

OH! AYE ..Said Boaby ..Its frae SADIE alright but its no about GOD Parents.

NO?..... Whit is it Boaby

The SOOR FACED BITCH is Chargin me fur Assault!

Wee Boaby